Wanna ride my rollercoaster?

I swear, adopting is one of the freakiest rollercoasters out there.
2 weeks ago it was the shock of a baby. Then the worry of could we do it? Then, "yay! a baby!" Then the agency told us birthmom wanted to see other profiles. I was devestated. They called back later that day to say she just didn't understand that we did want the baby. Phew. Back to the frantic paperwork and preparations. C even cleaned the garage today. I'm amazed.
Then, agency calls today. Birthmom is questioning placing with us again. I am trying so hard to be patient and understanding. It is her baby, not mine. It is her choice and I have no say in it. But I so want this little boy. I so want to stop crying.
I keep telling myself that our child will come to us. This may not be our child, just the Lord's way of kicking our butt into gear since we didn't listen to the last prod to get paperwork started. Well, it worked, we got our paperwork done. The house is ready. I just don't know if I will be a mom to three on Sept 11 or later.
I hate rollercoasters. Not the theme park ones, and not the emotional ones. I need chocolate and a good book. Can I run away now? Thank goodness I have my 2 little guys and my 1 big guy. We had a good family hug on the couch. We could be childless and waiting for our first and going through this. I think that would be harder. And I know that even if she doesn't decide to place with us, that baby will go to a home where he is loved. We may even be allowed to have contact with him. That is some comfort too.
But, I'm selfish. I want this baby. Someday I'll grow up maybe. But I'm only 30 so I figure I've got a decade or so at least.