Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My exercise routine

People often ask me how I stay so trim. Then they look at my boys for a minute. Hmmm. So I thought I'd post my exercise routine. So you, too, can live my life and look like me!

First, gather all your belongings and string them through the house. Middle of the floor is okay, but make sure you get your most prized possessions under and behind whatever furniture you have. It is helpful to wedge them in tight corners. Then pick them up and put them away. Repeat throughout the day, whenever you find a spare moment.

Never sit down. If you do, sit in a chair that is unstable and can be toppled at any minute by a toddler (pretend if you have to). Or imagine that if you do sit down, your lap/back/shoulders will be crawled on rather roughly. Just set your computer on the counter and play with it there. You will need to stand there to eat your food too. Otherwise it will be stolen.

Open the door to get a package or to go to the garage. Close it quickly while kicking your foot around. Or, open it and then run outside in your bare feet as fast as you can while chasing an imaginary (extremely fast and agile) toddler. Run at least 1/2 a block before stopping. Farther is better.

When you do laundry, throw bits of it into other rooms while folding or sorting it. When loading the dryer, close the door violently between each armful you put in. Open it for the next thing.

Put locks on each and every door so you expend extra effort to open them.

You will need a fairly tall staircase and long hall for this: Place yourself in one end of your house. Have someone scream in such a way it sounds as if their limbs are being ripped off. Drop everything and run across the house, up the stairs, down the hall, only to find the screams emanating from a ten year old who has a mild injury/brother in his room/lost something. Repeat throughout the day.

Vacuum at least once a day. Sprinkle more food and dirt and whatnot immediately afterward so your husband has no idea the vacuum has ever left its closet.

Hire 3 cute kids to climb all over you and give you lots of hugs and kisses and wear you out completely mentally as well as physically.

Go ahead and share a pan of brownies with a hot husband after kids go to bed. It will never show. Well, at least not much. You can always hide it with pregnancy once every 10 years or so.

10 comments:

Quincy said...

I'm still laughing out loud as I type my comment. That was hilarious!! I love this commentary, thoroughly tickling my funny bone and I give a semi-knowing nod (i have many kiddos, but I know the three boys dynamic is different than three girls. More tears and dramatics...perhaps, perhaps not.)
Written so poignantly!

Quincy said...

Now I have to go back and read it again!

Stacy Smith said...

Thanks for the laugh- too funny! Now I know what I need to be doing... You should patent it and start merketing your weight loss solution!

Stacy Smith said...

I linked you on my blog, btw. Hope that's ok.

RasJane said...

Stacy, that's fine! I did think today of applying for a patent or something. Then I could be one of those annoying ads in the sidebar on Facebook!
Quincy, you totally get as much of a workout in a day as I do, I'm sure!

Shady Lady said...

Wow! I think I'll keep the extra pounds, thanks. ;)

Sarah said...

RasJane, this is how I lost all my 2nd pregnancy weight plus another 40 pounds... because of all that "exercise" in a non-childproofed house. Lovely to read your adventures!

Mommy Bee said...

that's great. Sounds so familiar, but oh so great. LOL!

Dang, now I need brownies.

Anonymous said...

Oh that is just too funny! I can soooo picture it lol.

It's hard to believe that once they become teens and preteens they will turn into slug children who only want to sleep. The pounds are piling up around here now that I have no little ones to chase. Perhaps it's the brownies?!
Gina

Lanna said...

That's brilliant--particularly because it means I can still blame the kids for my being a fattypuss. They should be harrassing me more. ;)